Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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