well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
