plz talk dirty to me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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