I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.