You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
