I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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