My nipple is on Facebook.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
