I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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