im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
