You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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