Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
