Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
