in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
