How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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