there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
