The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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