apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
