dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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