Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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