I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
