I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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