Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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