I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
