I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
