Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
