two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
