U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
