Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
