girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
