just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
