: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
