I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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