never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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