dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
