My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
