Yo dont text me then not text me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
