i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
