We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How does one acquire holy water?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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