So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
