and i looked up. we had an audience...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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