You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
