I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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