the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
