we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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