It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
