who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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