ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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