So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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