i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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