There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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