Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
