bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The air taste purple.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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