I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
