i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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