Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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