The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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