I think scott just propositioned me for sex
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
