i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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