I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
