cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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