I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I touched a dick in church today
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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