If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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