I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
