I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass