Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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