I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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